Losing my firstborn has forever ruined my ability to have that "easy-go-lucky" pregnancy attitude. The possibility of losing another child is all to real and sits in the forefront of my mind. This subsequent pregnancy has brought new challenges I could never have been prepared for. Knowing first hand just how fragile life and pregnancy is, takes away that innocence I so badly I wish I could have back.
The first 13 weeks of this pregnancy have been a whirlwind. Physically, it was actually a breeze. But I live in constant fear, anxiety, guilt and an ongoing feeling of betrayal. Each ultrasound I had I was convinced there would be no heartbeat, yet when I heard that beautiful sound I had mixed feelings of relief and skepticism. The thought of bonding with this child, only to lose he/she like I did with Shepard takes all the joy out of every visit.
The first defining moment in this pregnancy so far was when I could find the heartbeat on my own doppler at home. I can now listen to that little pitter patter whenever I want. Sometimes I listen to it 3 times a day just to make sure the baby is okay. It doesn't take away the internal anxiety or fear but it does, in that moment, give me relief and allow me to relax a bit. But of course that opened a whole new door of guilt and betrayal.
I caught myself dreaming about holding this child, wondering what their little cry will sound like or even what their nursery will look like. And this would make me feel horrible, as if I am somehow betraying Shepard or pushing him out. I know this is not the case, but for those of you who have a lost a child understand this irrational emotion.
I know this baby deserves all the attention and love and bonding that Shepard had, and I want to give that to this child. But it has been such a challenge to do it. Apart of it I think is a defense mechanism to protect me incase I lose another child. Another part is that I am still grieving the loss of my baby boy and I can't seem to find it in me to give my all to another baby yet. It is extremely difficult to find happiness in a life of pregnancy where I am still grieving my child. But, I also realize just how short pregnancy is, and how quickly life can end and I don't want to waste a day not bonding with this baby. So, to get through some of my grieving and slowly allow some happiness to enter, I started with little things like just listening to that heartbeat 2 times a day to keep my anxiety under control. Then I focused on not calling it Shepard's room anymore. Instead it's the baby's room. I have even started looking at baby names.
Anyone who has lost a child can tell you that dealing with anything baby-related afterwards is nothing short of bittersweet. The excitement of nursery decor, breast pumps, baby slings and burp cloths is gone. Instead, when I look at the huge pile of baby gear I collected from Shepard's pregnancy, it mocks me. Reminding me how long of a road I still have before I will ever be able to use any of it... if I will ever be able to use any of it.
Yet, as this second trimester takes off, and I have passed my own first milestone of security, I find myself becoming a little more relaxed everyday and slowly starting to enjoy little things like day dreaming about if it is a boy or girl.
In a book called Celebrating Pregnancy Again, I read this, " Happiness never, ever means you don't love the child you lost. It only means you are taking a small step in healing. That, is a beautiful gift. Healing is learning a new love language for the child you lost." And that is what I want. A new special love language for me and my Shepard so I can make room for another sacred relationship with my second child.