As I braced myself for what I knew would be a roller coaster of a pregnancy I found myself searching for other women who have experienced successful rainbow pregnancies. I stumbled upon a fantastic article called 23 Things I wish Someone Told Me About Pregnancy after Loss. Let me highlight just a few that really hit home for me so far:
"The excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test may turn to indifference. It might sound strange, but when the pee stick had two lines instead of one, I didn’t jump up and down for joy. I actually stared at it in disbelief. First, I didn’t believe that I actually was pregnant again. Second, when I did let the realization that I was pregnant again sink in, it was as if fear decided to barge through the door. Anxiety swells up and all I could think of is “Do I really have to do this again” and “Can I really do this again?” Read More.
Others might want you to be ‘okay’ now that you are pregnant again, but this is far from the case. Just because you are pregnant again doesn’t mean that you have forgotten or gotten over the loss of your other child. It just does not work that way....Read More.
Seeing other women pregnant will still cause you to rage with jealousy. There I said it. You see, there is just something that happens where even though you are pregnant again you still ache inside when you see another pregnant woman who has never experienced a loss. You just somehow can’t be happy for her because you are jealous of her innocence, of her joy....Read More.
The nurse’s or midwife’s line will become your life line. Read More.
You will probably go to the hospital or doctor’s office 10 times more then you really need to and that is okay. I think I went 20 times to the emergency room during the 37 weeks I was pregnant. Now that might be excessive as I am a diagnosed worry wart, but for good cause in this case. My doctors always told me they would rather have me come in and address my concern then sit at home and worry...Read More.
Bonding with this baby may be challenging, but worth it. It’s scary to create a relationship with the bean growing inside of you because your past experience says, “Hey don’t get too attached, remember what happened last time.” And it’s normal to want to protect yourself from getting hurt again...
Read More.
Grief doesn’t go away. It’s ever present as you think back on the pregnancy with your last baby. Comparing trimesters, anniversaries, and milestones. It all seems surreal. You think about how this baby will be a little brother or sister to the baby or child that you lost and with that thought sorrow will flood your soul once again. It’s in the happiest moments that you find the greatest grief now. "
Read More.
I realized quickly that I was not the only one feeling uncertain, fearful and overwhelmed with anxiety about this subsequent pregnancy. In fact, what I am going through is expected and considered normal.... go figure... And while this gave me some comfort it still didn't take away the anxiety. I have not been able to experience a successful pregnancy. All I know is failure and it is hard to ignore that. This is my third pregnancy and I have no living children.
The harsh reality set it that this wasn't going to be easy.
So, here I am, 13 weeks, 2 days, and not exactly jumping up with joy. This week could not have come soon enough and I am anxious for it to leave even faster. In my mind, I have 4 major milestones to hit before I think I will be able to relax more.
- Week 14 - Getting past the first trimester - (5 more days to go..)
- Week 18 - Dr. Sally can look with accuracy for the insertion point of the umbilical cord and verify this baby does not have a Velamentous Cord Insertion, or even a Marginal Cord Insertion.
- Week 24 - When the fetus has a 90% chance of survival outside the uterus if they are born prematurely. (This is of course with extensive medical intervention and months in the hospital... but still a 90% chance of survival)
- Week 33 - I lost Shepard at 32 weeks. Getting to that 33 week mark will be something I have never done before.
Those who have lost a pregnancy due to a miscarriage or stillbirth understand the insane desire to have symptoms during your subsequent pregnancies. With Shepard I only had 4-5 bouts of morning sickness my entire pregnancy. It was a super easy pregnancy. This time around I have even milder symptoms. I can't help but fear a miscarriage is coming every time I feel a twinge.
I have been to see my doctor for an ultrasound every two weeks since week 4. Yes, every two weeks. And quite honestly, I don't care what other people think. It makes me feel better. I want to say to everyone "Please be patient with me, I'm a mom dealing with PAL."
This is a constant battle within myself because I don't want fear to win. I can't let fear win. I need to be strong and have faith that this pregnancy will go well. If not that, at least relax knowing that whatever happens, happens and I have no control over it. But it is so hard to stay in that space because I want to have control over all of it!
I do have a doppler at home and I will admit that I have been trying to get a heartbeat since week 10.... I know, I know, that is way too soon!!! But I just want to know the baby is okay!
At exactly 13 weeks I finally found the heartbeat on my own. Victory at Last!!!! God, is that the most beautiful sound in the world :)
I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders now that I know I don't have to wait to see my doctor just to make sure my baby is still alive. That puppy sits right next to my bed now and you can bet I will be listening to that heartbeat every morning and every night.
It's going to be a long journey ..... but I keep telling myself, one heartbeat at a time. And until have have my crying baby in my arms.. that will have to do.