Saturday, May 24, 2014, I woke up early to go to my second day of the Sacred Pregnancy Weekend Retreat. I was really excited to get going so I quickly got out of bed and immediately noticed that Shepard was sitting very high that morning...much higher than normal. I brushed it off and continued to get ready for my day. As I went to Einsteins to grab breakfast to go, I noticed I hadn't felt him move and he was still sitting in that same spot. I told myself not to get paranoid and relax. Reminding myself that Shepard wasn't very active in the mornings anyway. So, I arrived at the Sacred Pregnancy Retreat and started day 2 of what I thought would be such a spiritual and healing day.
The fathers were expected to arrive at 3 pm for the remaining part of the retreat. I called my husband, Estil, and told him to come early and bring the doppler. He arrived with a beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers, white ranunculus, and the biggest smile on his face. He was so handsome and so excited for that evening. When I greeted him at the door he immediately knew I was seriously scared and we rushed into a private room to find the heartbeat. After 10 minutes of trying with no success we asked a midwife in training who was running the retreat to help us. After a couple minutes she told us to call our midwife immediately and go to the ER.
My midwife, Marinah, was in Tucson, 2 hours away at the time. She talked with me on the phone the entire ride over to the nearest hospital. She tried to reassure me that everything was probably just fine. We were seen almost immediately. The technician refused to go straight to an ultrasound and made me sit there while she tried for 10 minutes to find a heartbeat. I could have killed her... this was absolute torchure. Finally after Estil and I were practically yelling at her to get the ultrasound machine she left us alone for another 10 minutes before bringing in another tech and the machine. The tech refused to tell us what she saw on the screen. Finally Estil snapped at her and said " Show me the screen ". He looked back at me almost immediately with tears in his eyes and said " There's no heartbeat". The tech then brought in a doctor on call who very coldly said she was sorry for our loss and instructed me to get admitted to the hospital for a C-section. My midwife was on speaker the entire time and told us not to sign a thing, leave and go home. She met us at our house about 2 hours later.
I made the decision with her and Estil that I didn't want to wait to go into labor naturally, knowing it could have taken up to a week for my body to do it on it's own. After finally realizing I wouldn't have the home birth I had been preparing for I called a spiritual mentor of mine and had her pray with Estil, my mom and I. I immediately fell into a place of peace. As strange as that sounds, in that moment and the few hours following I was numb yet somehow in a state of acceptance that THIS was what had been laid before me. I was also fully aware that my work was not done. I still had to labor and meet my son.
Sunday, May, 25, 2014, at 7 AM we arrived at Scottsdale Osborn Birth Center. When I got to my room I was greeted by the most compassionate nurses, my midwife, my doula, my mother, my best friend and the doctor my midwife specifically chose to hand my care over to, Dr. Sally.
The IV was started and so did the first round of cytotec to get labor going. I was naturally already 1 cm dilated when I arrived at the hospital.... thank god! My body already knew what it needed to do. I labored for 20 hours surrounded by my closest family and friends. The hospital was wonderful. They gave me the best nurses and let me do whatever I wanted. I could walk the grounds as I pleased. I could labor how I wanted. For such a sad, dark time... it was amazing.
Monday, May, 26, 2014 at 3:25 AM my beautiful son, Shepard William Wallace was stillborn at 32 weeks. He weighed 4 pounds 4 ounces. He had a full head of blond hair and dark blue eyes. Estil and I got to bathe him, hold him, take pictures with him and have a blessing for him with our family and friends right there in the hospital. Everyone got to meet him , hold him and say goodbye to him.
I am so grateful I had my midwife on the phone advocating for me that night in the ER. In that space, where you are told your child has died, it is impossible to make clear decisions. It is too difficult to think about the situation at a 10,000 ft. level and make choices based off of how you want to remember this horrible tragedy. Had Marinah not been there I probably would have listen to that doctor and admitted myself for an emergency c-section. I was incapable of making sound choices in that moment. And I know now, I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.
I was not in danger. There was no need for any "emergency" protocol. I took a full 14 hours to be in my home with my baby and my family. I got to calmly and slowly walk through all my options. My family had time to prepare themselves as well for what was to come next. One of my sisters even had enough time to fly in from California to be there when her nephew was born... How cool is that?! Because of Marinah, I got to bring my son into this world the way God intended; naturally. I had the privilege of laboring his precious little body for 20 hours. I got to have skin on skin contact with him the moment he was born. He got to enter this world the way he deserved to. With respect, dignity, and love.
Monday, May, 26, 2014 at 3:25 AM my beautiful son, Shepard William Wallace was stillborn at 32 weeks. He weighed 4 pounds 4 ounces. He had a full head of blond hair and dark blue eyes. Estil and I got to bathe him, hold him, take pictures with him and have a blessing for him with our family and friends right there in the hospital. Everyone got to meet him , hold him and say goodbye to him.
I am so grateful I had my midwife on the phone advocating for me that night in the ER. In that space, where you are told your child has died, it is impossible to make clear decisions. It is too difficult to think about the situation at a 10,000 ft. level and make choices based off of how you want to remember this horrible tragedy. Had Marinah not been there I probably would have listen to that doctor and admitted myself for an emergency c-section. I was incapable of making sound choices in that moment. And I know now, I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.
I was not in danger. There was no need for any "emergency" protocol. I took a full 14 hours to be in my home with my baby and my family. I got to calmly and slowly walk through all my options. My family had time to prepare themselves as well for what was to come next. One of my sisters even had enough time to fly in from California to be there when her nephew was born... How cool is that?! Because of Marinah, I got to bring my son into this world the way God intended; naturally. I had the privilege of laboring his precious little body for 20 hours. I got to have skin on skin contact with him the moment he was born. He got to enter this world the way he deserved to. With respect, dignity, and love.
Leaving With Empty Arms
Estil and I stayed with Shepard until 5:30 that evening. Leaving the hospital without my baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I can't quite find the words to describe how I felt in the hours and even days afterward. I do remember sitting in his room with all of his stuff was somehow a comfort to me. Looking at his things made him feel closer to me in some weird way.
The following weeks were a blur. Between crying and sitting in what I can only describe as a dark whole, we slowly crawled our way back to a "normal" day to day life. Whatever that means.
Now, 5 months later, I don't cry everyday. I don't fall apart every time I pass his picture. I have happy days and I have sad days. Each day is different. But not a day goes by where I do not think about him. Wonder how big he would be right now, what milestones he would be hitting. What his little voice would sound like. If he would have been a good eater.... the list goes on and on.
I do know that talking about him and saying his name as often as I can is healing for me and my husband. We had him cremated and the funeral home separated some of his ashes from the urn so we could bury some of them in the roots of a tree in our backyard. Someday, we will get to tell our rainbow babies who their big brother is and that big tree in our backyard is Shepard's tree.
I built an alter in his room where I collected all of the gifts people gave us, photos of him and his family, any drawings or letters we wrote to him, they all sit on his alter. This gives us a special place just for Shepard that we can go to anytime. His urn sits on a shelf front and center in our living room next to a picture of him. The frame says, " You have my whole heart for my whole life". When I look at that picture and read that quote, my heart aches, yet it brings a sweet smile to my face.
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| Shepard's Altar His urn & photo display |
Understanding Why this happened
Before I delivered Shepard, Dr. Sally warned us that most parents never find out why these things happen. She said we had about a 25% chance of ever finding out what went wrong, even with all the testing. Well, if there is ever a silver lining, this was one for us. We were among that 25% that got to know what happened and I thank God everyday for this.All of the testing had come back normal. There wasn't one abnormal lab for me or my son. However upon delivering the placenta it became clear as day why Shepard died. Shepard had what is called a Velamentous Cord Insertion. A condition where the cord inserts into the side of the placenta ( fetal membranes) instead of the center of the placenta. This caused the membranes to rupture, cutting off blood supply to Shepard.
Having the medical explanation to why Shepard died has helped both of us tremendously in our grieving process. I honestly cannot imagine what goes through the minds of the parents who never get this answer. Having this knowledge allowed my brain to process his death in a very scientific, systematic way. It helped me understand that this was not my fault. People asked me if I had lost faith in God. They expected me to be angry. And I can honestly say that I never lost my faith.
I was never angry with God. Maybe it has to do with knowing the medical reason why... I am not sure. I will say that suffering the loss of a child will definitely test your faith. That I am sure of. But, I felt God with me the entire time I was laboring Shepard. God was with me when I held my sweet baby in my arms. And God was there when I walked home with empty arms. I know this with full certainty because while I was overwhelmed with grief, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew that in time I would be happy again. I could feel this certainty deep within me. I was never really lost....I trusted the process and just allowed myself to feel and live fully in each moment of sadness and really morn the loss of my baby.
I have learned through life experience not to question why things happen the way they do, but to lean into God to help me get through it. My husband and I said repeatedly, Shepard's death did not happen TO us, it just happened. The reason is not for us to know. Instead of being angry for what we didn't get, we tried to focus on what we DID get... 32 amazing, beautiful, joy-filled weeks that no-one can ever take from us. Our lives are so much fuller because of Shepard. And for that, we are truly blessed. Now, I talk to him all the time. I ask him questions and pray to him. He is my Shepard and his love guides me everyday.
I was never angry with God. Maybe it has to do with knowing the medical reason why... I am not sure. I will say that suffering the loss of a child will definitely test your faith. That I am sure of. But, I felt God with me the entire time I was laboring Shepard. God was with me when I held my sweet baby in my arms. And God was there when I walked home with empty arms. I know this with full certainty because while I was overwhelmed with grief, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew that in time I would be happy again. I could feel this certainty deep within me. I was never really lost....I trusted the process and just allowed myself to feel and live fully in each moment of sadness and really morn the loss of my baby.I have learned through life experience not to question why things happen the way they do, but to lean into God to help me get through it. My husband and I said repeatedly, Shepard's death did not happen TO us, it just happened. The reason is not for us to know. Instead of being angry for what we didn't get, we tried to focus on what we DID get... 32 amazing, beautiful, joy-filled weeks that no-one can ever take from us. Our lives are so much fuller because of Shepard. And for that, we are truly blessed. Now, I talk to him all the time. I ask him questions and pray to him. He is my Shepard and his love guides me everyday.