Pregnancy Redefined

Losing my firstborn has forever ruined my ability to have that "easy-go-lucky" pregnancy attitude. The possibility of losing another child is all to real and sits in the forefront of my mind. This subsequent pregnancy has brought new challenges I could never have been prepared for. Knowing first hand just how fragile life and pregnancy is, takes away that innocence I so badly I wish I could have back.

The first 13 weeks of this pregnancy have been a whirlwind. Physically, it was actually a breeze. But I live in constant fear, anxiety, guilt and an ongoing feeling of betrayal. Each ultrasound I had I was convinced there would be no heartbeat, yet when I heard that beautiful sound I had mixed feelings of relief and skepticism. The thought of bonding with this child, only to lose he/she like I did with Shepard takes all the joy out of every visit.

The first defining moment in this pregnancy so far was when I could find the heartbeat on my own doppler at home. I can now listen to that little pitter patter whenever I want. Sometimes I listen to it 3 times a day just to make sure the baby is okay. It doesn't take away the internal anxiety or fear but it does, in that moment, give me relief and allow me to relax a bit. But of course that opened a whole new door of guilt and betrayal.

I caught myself dreaming about holding this child, wondering what their little cry will sound like or even what their nursery will look like. And this would make me feel horrible, as if I am somehow betraying Shepard or pushing him out. I know this is not the case, but for those of you who have a lost a child understand this irrational emotion.

I know this baby deserves all the attention and love and bonding that Shepard had, and I want to give that to this child. But it has been such a challenge to do it. Apart of it I think is a defense mechanism to protect me incase I lose another child. Another part is that I am still grieving the loss of my baby boy and I can't seem to find it in me to give my all to another baby yet. It is extremely difficult to find happiness in a life of pregnancy where I am still grieving my child. But, I also realize just how short pregnancy is, and how quickly life can end and I don't want to waste a day not bonding with this baby. So, to get through some of my grieving and slowly allow some happiness to enter, I started with little things like just listening to that heartbeat 2 times a day to keep my anxiety under control. Then I focused on not calling it Shepard's room anymore. Instead it's the baby's room. I have even started looking at baby names.

Anyone who has lost a child can tell you that dealing with anything baby-related afterwards is nothing short of bittersweet. The excitement of nursery decor, breast pumps, baby slings and burp cloths is gone. Instead, when I look at the huge pile of baby gear I collected from Shepard's pregnancy, it mocks me. Reminding me how long of a road I still have before I will ever be able to use any of it... if I will ever be able to use any of it.

Yet, as this second trimester takes off, and I have passed my own first milestone of security, I find myself becoming a little more relaxed everyday and slowly starting to enjoy little things like day dreaming about if it is a boy or girl.

In a book called Celebrating Pregnancy Again, I read this, " Happiness never, ever means you don't love the child you lost. It only means you are taking a small step in healing. That, is a beautiful gift. Healing is learning a new love language for the child you lost." And that is what I want. A new special love language for me and my Shepard so I can make room for another sacred relationship with my second child.

Let the Journey Begin - Pregnancy after Loss

Never in my wildest dreams did I think this was possible to have conceived on the first try after having Shepard. I was convinced it would take us another 2 years to have another baby. But, just 10 short weeks after giving birth I was pregnant again. This moment was bitter sweet. Sweet in the sense that I was actually pregnant ... and so quickly. Bitter because the loss of my first born was still so fresh.

As I braced myself for what I knew would be a roller coaster of a pregnancy I found myself searching for other women who have experienced successful rainbow pregnancies. I stumbled upon a fantastic article called 23 Things I wish Someone Told Me About Pregnancy after Loss.  Let me highlight just a few that really hit home for me so far:

"The excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test may turn to indifference. It might sound strange, but when the pee stick had two lines instead of one, I didn’t jump up and down for joy. I actually stared at it in disbelief. First, I didn’t believe that I actually was pregnant again. Second, when I did let the realization that I was pregnant again sink in, it was as if fear decided to barge through the door. Anxiety swells up and all I could think of is “Do I really have to do this again” and “Can I really do this again?” Read More.

Others might want you to be ‘okay’ now that you are pregnant again, but this is far from the case. Just because you are pregnant again doesn’t mean that you have forgotten or gotten over the loss of your other child. It just does not work that way....Read More.

Seeing other women pregnant will still cause you to rage with jealousy. There I said it. You see, there is just something that happens where even though you are pregnant again you still ache inside when you see another pregnant woman who has never experienced a loss. You just somehow can’t be happy for her because you are jealous of her innocence, of her joy....Read More.

The nurse’s or midwife’s line will become your life line. Read More.

You will probably go to the hospital or doctor’s office 10 times more then you really need to and that is okay. I think I went 20 times to the emergency room during the 37 weeks I was pregnant. Now that might be excessive as I am a diagnosed worry wart, but for good cause in this case. My doctors always told me they would rather have me come in and address my concern then sit at home and worry...Read More.

Bonding with this baby may be challenging, but worth it. It’s scary to create a relationship with the bean growing inside of you because your past experience says, “Hey don’t get too attached, remember what happened last time.” And it’s normal to want to protect yourself from getting hurt again...
Read More.

Grief doesn’t go away. It’s ever present as you think back on the pregnancy with your last baby. Comparing trimesters, anniversaries, and milestones. It all seems surreal. You think about how this baby will be a little brother or sister to the baby or child that you lost and with that thought sorrow will flood your soul once again. It’s in the happiest moments that you find the greatest grief now. "
Read More.

I realized quickly that I was not the only one feeling uncertain, fearful and overwhelmed with anxiety about this subsequent pregnancy. In fact, what I am going through is expected and considered normal.... go figure... And while this gave me some comfort it still didn't take away the anxiety. I have not been able to experience a successful pregnancy. All I know is failure and it is hard to ignore that. This is my third pregnancy and I have no living children.

 The harsh reality set it that this wasn't going to be easy.

So, here I am, 13 weeks, 2 days, and not exactly jumping up with joy. This week could not have come soon enough and I am anxious for it to leave even faster. In my mind, I have 4 major milestones to hit before I think I will be able to relax more.

1. Week 14 - Getting past the first trimester  - (5 more days to go..)
2. Week 18 - Dr. Sally can look with accuracy for the insertion point of the umbilical cord and verify this baby does not have a Velamentous Cord Insertion, or even a Marginal Cord Insertion.
3. Week 24 - When the fetus has a 90% chance of survival outside the uterus if they are born prematurely. (This is of course with extensive medical intervention and months in the hospital... but still a 90% chance of survival)
4. Week 33 - I lost Shepard at 32 weeks. Getting to that 33 week mark will be something I have never done before.

Then comes the stress of making it to full term and having a healthy baby.... but let's not go overboard... I will worry about that after I get through these 4 milestones. Right now it's one week at time. Actually, more like one heartbeat at time.

Those who have lost a pregnancy due to a miscarriage or stillbirth understand the insane desire to have symptoms during your subsequent pregnancies. With Shepard I only had 4-5 bouts of morning sickness my entire pregnancy. It was a super easy pregnancy. This time around I have even milder symptoms. I can't help but fear a miscarriage is coming every time I feel a twinge.

I have been to see my doctor for an ultrasound every two weeks since week 4. Yes, every two weeks. And quite honestly, I don't care what other people think. It makes me feel better. I want to say to everyone "Please be patient with me, I'm a mom dealing with PAL."

This is a constant battle within myself because I don't want fear to win. I can't let fear win. I need to be strong and have faith that this pregnancy will go well. If not that, at least relax knowing that whatever happens, happens and I have no control over it. But it is so hard to stay in that space because I want to have control over all of it!

I do have a doppler at home and I will admit that I have been trying to get a heartbeat since week 10.... I know, I know, that is way too soon!!! But I just want to know the baby is okay!

At exactly 13 weeks I finally found the heartbeat on my own. Victory at Last!!!! God, is that the most beautiful sound in the world :)

I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders now that I know I don't have to wait to see my doctor just to make sure my baby is still alive. That puppy sits right next to my bed now and you can bet I will be listening to that heartbeat every morning and every night.

It's going to be a long journey ..... but I keep telling myself, one heartbeat at a time. And until have have my crying baby in my arms.. that will have to do.

Remembering Shepard

Today, October 15, 2014, Pregnancy and Infant Loss is nationally recognized. Estil and I participated in Scottsdale Healthcare's annual Walk to Remember for pregnancy and infant loss this past Saturday. It was beautiful, emotional and yet very peaceful. There was a very nice turnout filled with kids.

I am so grateful for the people who take the time to organize these events so that people like me have somewhere to turn to. These events give us a place to meet other people who have suffered like we have and honor our children together. This was my first event to publicly honor my son, Shepard. And while I knew it would be emotional I had know idea just how heartbreaking yet fulfilling it would be. Thank you to all of you who dedicate your time to help honor our loved ones.