Week No. 25 - New Year, New Beginnings

With this new year approaching, I am trying to lean in to God and Trust this process more than ever before. It is hard for me to look at 2015 without feeling like I am leaving my baby boy behind. 2014 was rough, really rough. My husband and I lost my mother-in-law, our son, and my grandmother. Saying goodbye to 2014 is hard, emotional and bitter sweet. But, I don't want my past to define me. So I am embracing 2015 with open arms.

This pregnancy seems to be going a lot smoother since seeing the umbilical cord insertion. However, as much as I am trying to just enjoy the ride it is going by so slow! I feel like I am 80 weeks pregnant, not 25. BUT, trying to stay in the present moment... I am go thankful for a healthy baby, healthy pregnancy and a wonderful life. As this baby girl moves more and more I can't help but think about my time I had with Shepard. Trying not to dwell on the past too much and try to remember it's not my place to question the path that has been laid before me. It's just my job to navigate it the best I can with the tools I have. So! Happy New Year ! And here is this weeks update:

Total weight gain: 11lb.

Maternity clothes: maternity workout pants

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Rolling from side to side all night long!

Best moment of this week: Putting more of baby girls room together.

Miss anything: alcohol, sprinting and heavy weights!

Movement: bigger movements this week!

Food cravings: sparkling water with lime.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

Have you started to show yet: Got a volleyball for a tummy :)

Gender: Girl!

Labor signs: No

Belly button in or out: In… sorta 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy :)

Week No. 22 - It's official, no velementous cord insertion!

At our 19 week ultrasound we went to see a specialist who double, triple checked the cord insertion. We were more than relieved to know that this baby girl does not have a velementous cord insertion. Her cord is exactly where it should be. The rest of the appointment was great. We got to see her move around like a little athlete. All her measurements were perfect.

After the appointment however, it did bring up a bunch of very confusing emotions for both me and my husband. We were both so happy to see her and know that she is healthy but we were so sad at the same time. For the rest of the day we both couldn't stop thinking about Shepard. It was a really rough night and I couldn't help but feel guilty that now, for the first time, I was betraying my baby girl for thinking about him so much after HER appointment.

It's weird, these mixed emotions. I know that it is part of the grieving process. I know that it is "normal". It is hard to describe. It does get easier when I just let myself feel the feelings without judging myself but lets be real.... when do we ever stop judging ourselves. Especially when it comes to being a good mother to our children.

So as I continue down this unique, beautiful, emotional road of pregnancy with my daughter .... I am taking it one day at a time and trying to enjoy the ride. And today, I have my week 22 photo progress photo to share! I look about 2 weeks bigger than I did with Shepard at this point, and weigh 5 pounds less.

Total weight gain: 6 lb.

Maternity clothes: maternity workout pants

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Pretty well this week. Must be having a growth spurt because I sleep hard.

Best moment of this week: Finding a name that both of us really like.

Miss anything: smaller boobs! They just keep growing! :(

Movement: all day long :)

Food cravings: nothing in particular.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

Have you started to show yet: You betcha!

Gender: Girl!

Labor signs: Nope.

Belly button in or out: In… sorta 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy :)

Week No. 18 - It's A Girl!

I can't believe it's a girl...

So I will be honest and admit that I cried for two days when I found out it was a girl. Letting go of Shepard's pregnancy has been much harder than I ever imagined, and somehow, I thought having another boy would fix all of that. Wake up call.... nothing will ever "fix" it. Nothing, no-one will ever replace him. So what does it really matter if the next baby is a boy or girl? It doesn't.

Estil says emotionally, it might be easier, expecting a little girl. This might allow me to separate this pregnancy from Shepard's a bit more and eventually  give this baby the attention, love and bonding she deserves. Just like Shepard got. At first, I "ya-yah"ed him and didn't think what he said had any merit. But now, having been able to process this for a little over a week... I think he might be right. This weekend I was searching for new nursery ideas, thinking about the different colors I might use this time. We have been picking out names and we finally came up with one we are both really excited about. It feels really good.

Now that is not to say that I haven't cried, two, three or 10 times this last week thinking about Shepard, or going through his stuff. But it is emotional progress. That I am sure of, because I am truly happy. I have my moments of grief, and my heart will always ache for Shep. But in this moment, in this pregnancy, I am happy and excited to meet this baby.

SO! Here is Week No. 18 stats :)

Total weight gain: 2 lb.

Maternity clothes: None yet!

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: sleeping ok. Can't sleep on my back anymore and my hips throb throughout the night.

Best moment of this week: Finding a name that both of us really like.

Miss anything: alcohol, heavy weights, and my smaller boobs!

Movement: becoming pretty regular and stronger now!

Food cravings: nothing in particular.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

Have you started to show yet: oh Yes!

Gender: Girl!

Labor signs: Nope.

Belly button in or out: In… sorta 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy!

Looking forward to: the "big" ultrasound next week to determine the umbilical cord is right where it should be, so we can rest assured this baby won't have the risk Shepard had.

And just for fun, here is me with Shepard at 18 weeks, and today with baby girl :)

Week No. 16 - weight gain and exercise

Week 16 - Finally! I am starting to look a little pregnant. It's amazing how much better this makes me feel. Like it's not all in my head. Any of the minor symptoms I had in the first trimester are completely gone. However I think I have grown yet another cup size in the last week.

These girls are becoming too much to handle! And this is before my milk comes in?! Oy vey!

During my pregnancy with Shepard, I was so impressed with how my body changed and compromised to make room for my little man. This time around, I am even more amazed at how my body has adjusted to these dramatic changes in such a short period of time. It is amazing no matter how long time passes between each pregnancy, but considering I conceived this baby only 10 weeks after giving birth to Shepard.... it truly is a gift to be a woman.

Here is me at 4 weeks with Shepard, and with this baby.

Here I am at 16 weeks with Shepard, and again me this week with this baby.

6 pounds gained          vs.       1 pound gained

My organs are pushing out much faster this time. The most interesting part I have found so far, is that I have only gained 1 pound in this pregnancy so far. I was in much tighter shape before getting pregnant with Shepard, yet gained 6 pounds within the first 16 weeks. This tells me that my body, despite how much diet and exercise I implement, will do what it needs to do to maintain a healthy pregnancy for me and baby.

To illustrate, with both pregnancies, at this stage, I work(ed) out 4-5 days a week, cardio for 20-30 minutes 3-4 days a week and weights for 20-30 minutes a day 4-5 days a week. Prenatal yoga at least once a week starting around 14 weeks and my diet is/was very clean 80% of the week.

What does that 80% mean? 4-5 small meals a day, clean carbs and fats and tons and tons of protein. 1 cup of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Maybe some ice tea (with no sweeteners of any kind). 

I have learned from my own experience, that daily exercise and healthy eating is a must. This doesn't mean you have to deprive yourself of yummy treats or workout like a pro competitor 7 days a week.... everything in moderation! :) Even if its just 30 minutes of a high powered walk everyday or yoga will make the difference and do wonders for your overall physical, mental state and labor. However, talk to your doctor before you do this. I am not a physician and you should get all exercise approved by your doctor. :)

Pregnancy Redefined

Losing my firstborn has forever ruined my ability to have that "easy-go-lucky" pregnancy attitude. The possibility of losing another child is all to real and sits in the forefront of my mind. This subsequent pregnancy has brought new challenges I could never have been prepared for. Knowing first hand just how fragile life and pregnancy is, takes away that innocence I so badly I wish I could have back.

The first 13 weeks of this pregnancy have been a whirlwind. Physically, it was actually a breeze. But I live in constant fear, anxiety, guilt and an ongoing feeling of betrayal. Each ultrasound I had I was convinced there would be no heartbeat, yet when I heard that beautiful sound I had mixed feelings of relief and skepticism. The thought of bonding with this child, only to lose he/she like I did with Shepard takes all the joy out of every visit.

The first defining moment in this pregnancy so far was when I could find the heartbeat on my own doppler at home. I can now listen to that little pitter patter whenever I want. Sometimes I listen to it 3 times a day just to make sure the baby is okay. It doesn't take away the internal anxiety or fear but it does, in that moment, give me relief and allow me to relax a bit. But of course that opened a whole new door of guilt and betrayal.

I caught myself dreaming about holding this child, wondering what their little cry will sound like or even what their nursery will look like. And this would make me feel horrible, as if I am somehow betraying Shepard or pushing him out. I know this is not the case, but for those of you who have a lost a child understand this irrational emotion.

I know this baby deserves all the attention and love and bonding that Shepard had, and I want to give that to this child. But it has been such a challenge to do it. Apart of it I think is a defense mechanism to protect me incase I lose another child. Another part is that I am still grieving the loss of my baby boy and I can't seem to find it in me to give my all to another baby yet. It is extremely difficult to find happiness in a life of pregnancy where I am still grieving my child. But, I also realize just how short pregnancy is, and how quickly life can end and I don't want to waste a day not bonding with this baby. So, to get through some of my grieving and slowly allow some happiness to enter, I started with little things like just listening to that heartbeat 2 times a day to keep my anxiety under control. Then I focused on not calling it Shepard's room anymore. Instead it's the baby's room. I have even started looking at baby names.

Anyone who has lost a child can tell you that dealing with anything baby-related afterwards is nothing short of bittersweet. The excitement of nursery decor, breast pumps, baby slings and burp cloths is gone. Instead, when I look at the huge pile of baby gear I collected from Shepard's pregnancy, it mocks me. Reminding me how long of a road I still have before I will ever be able to use any of it... if I will ever be able to use any of it.

Yet, as this second trimester takes off, and I have passed my own first milestone of security, I find myself becoming a little more relaxed everyday and slowly starting to enjoy little things like day dreaming about if it is a boy or girl.

In a book called Celebrating Pregnancy Again, I read this, " Happiness never, ever means you don't love the child you lost. It only means you are taking a small step in healing. That, is a beautiful gift. Healing is learning a new love language for the child you lost." And that is what I want. A new special love language for me and my Shepard so I can make room for another sacred relationship with my second child.