Week No. 28 - Finally! The Third Trimester

THIRD TRIMESTER!

OMG, how I have impatiently waited to be in the final countdown. I feel like I have been pregnant for 2 years ... well I almost have actually.. but still! I feel like I am finally making progress, as silly as that may sound.

So far, all is groovy! I feel great. I am getting much bigger, which I am actually very ok with. My sleep and appetite have not changed yet. However, I am noticing that my workouts are changing on a weekly, sometimes daily basis now. Somedays I am just too tired to workout period. Other days I will speed walk for 40 minutes and just do 2 short light weight exercises. And then I have those days where I can rock it in the gym for a full hour and a half and feel awesome.

Where I have modified the most is the weights. I still lift weights but I now only lift light weights with high reps. I can't do most leg exercises that involve a machine so I stick to lunges, squats, seated leg curls and cardio. My cardio has changed a bit too.. I can no longer comfortably sprint, or run. So I stick to speed walking or the elliptical. Stairs were my fav but now I get too winded too quickly.

As far as diet, I will admit I have not been as strict. BUT, I will say that for the most part ( 80% of the time) I don't want a bunch of crap. I crave healthy food. I am just not eating as often as I should be or as much as I use to.

Overall, I think I have managed a very healthy pregnancy so far with moderate slow weight gain. Staying active is a top priority, even if its just walking 30 minutes a day or doing ball squats at work to keep the blood flowing and my muscles active. ( Especially since I sit in front of a computer all day at work.)

As far as my mental health, well, I have to be honest and say that my anxiety has gone up recently. There is a part of me that feels like I am a ticking time bomb... with only 3 weeks left before I hit the dreaded 31 weeks of pregnancy, the last week I ever carried my baby boy. So, I do have these fleeting fears that my time is going to come to end, only with another stillbirth, but overall I know that the chances of that happening again are extremely rare. I feel a great connection with this baby girl and she is super active and healthy. That's all I can ask for. I know that once I get past 32 weeks ( which was exactly how far along I was when I gave birth to Shepard) I will have some relief. Until then I am taking it one day at a time. Some days I break out the doppler and just listen to her heartbeat for 20 minutes, and other days I don't think twice about her health. All with balance I guess...

Here is this weeks update :)

Total weight gain: 15lb.

Maternity clothes: maternity workout pants

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: okay. Wake up several times to roll over or pee.

Best moment of this week: Officially in the third trimester

Miss anything: alcohol, sprinting and heavy weights!

Movement: she rolls around like crazy.

Food cravings: cottage cheese and fruit

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

Have you started to show yet: ah yeah :)

Gender: Girl!

Labor signs: No

Belly button in or out: In… sorta 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy :)

Week No. 25 - New Year, New Beginnings

With this new year approaching, I am trying to lean in to God and Trust this process more than ever before. It is hard for me to look at 2015 without feeling like I am leaving my baby boy behind. 2014 was rough, really rough. My husband and I lost my mother-in-law, our son, and my grandmother. Saying goodbye to 2014 is hard, emotional and bitter sweet. But, I don't want my past to define me. So I am embracing 2015 with open arms.

This pregnancy seems to be going a lot smoother since seeing the umbilical cord insertion. However, as much as I am trying to just enjoy the ride it is going by so slow! I feel like I am 80 weeks pregnant, not 25. BUT, trying to stay in the present moment... I am go thankful for a healthy baby, healthy pregnancy and a wonderful life. As this baby girl moves more and more I can't help but think about my time I had with Shepard. Trying not to dwell on the past too much and try to remember it's not my place to question the path that has been laid before me. It's just my job to navigate it the best I can with the tools I have. So! Happy New Year ! And here is this weeks update:

Total weight gain: 11lb.

Maternity clothes: maternity workout pants

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Rolling from side to side all night long!

Best moment of this week: Putting more of baby girls room together.

Miss anything: alcohol, sprinting and heavy weights!

Movement: bigger movements this week!

Food cravings: sparkling water with lime.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

Have you started to show yet: Got a volleyball for a tummy :)

Gender: Girl!

Labor signs: No

Belly button in or out: In… sorta 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy :)

Week No. 16 - weight gain and exercise

Week 16 - Finally! I am starting to look a little pregnant. It's amazing how much better this makes me feel. Like it's not all in my head. Any of the minor symptoms I had in the first trimester are completely gone. However I think I have grown yet another cup size in the last week.

These girls are becoming too much to handle! And this is before my milk comes in?! Oy vey!

During my pregnancy with Shepard, I was so impressed with how my body changed and compromised to make room for my little man. This time around, I am even more amazed at how my body has adjusted to these dramatic changes in such a short period of time. It is amazing no matter how long time passes between each pregnancy, but considering I conceived this baby only 10 weeks after giving birth to Shepard.... it truly is a gift to be a woman.

Here is me at 4 weeks with Shepard, and with this baby.

Here I am at 16 weeks with Shepard, and again me this week with this baby.

6 pounds gained          vs.       1 pound gained

My organs are pushing out much faster this time. The most interesting part I have found so far, is that I have only gained 1 pound in this pregnancy so far. I was in much tighter shape before getting pregnant with Shepard, yet gained 6 pounds within the first 16 weeks. This tells me that my body, despite how much diet and exercise I implement, will do what it needs to do to maintain a healthy pregnancy for me and baby.

To illustrate, with both pregnancies, at this stage, I work(ed) out 4-5 days a week, cardio for 20-30 minutes 3-4 days a week and weights for 20-30 minutes a day 4-5 days a week. Prenatal yoga at least once a week starting around 14 weeks and my diet is/was very clean 80% of the week.

What does that 80% mean? 4-5 small meals a day, clean carbs and fats and tons and tons of protein. 1 cup of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Maybe some ice tea (with no sweeteners of any kind). 

I have learned from my own experience, that daily exercise and healthy eating is a must. This doesn't mean you have to deprive yourself of yummy treats or workout like a pro competitor 7 days a week.... everything in moderation! :) Even if its just 30 minutes of a high powered walk everyday or yoga will make the difference and do wonders for your overall physical, mental state and labor. However, talk to your doctor before you do this. I am not a physician and you should get all exercise approved by your doctor. :)

Pregnancy Redefined

Losing my firstborn has forever ruined my ability to have that "easy-go-lucky" pregnancy attitude. The possibility of losing another child is all to real and sits in the forefront of my mind. This subsequent pregnancy has brought new challenges I could never have been prepared for. Knowing first hand just how fragile life and pregnancy is, takes away that innocence I so badly I wish I could have back.

The first 13 weeks of this pregnancy have been a whirlwind. Physically, it was actually a breeze. But I live in constant fear, anxiety, guilt and an ongoing feeling of betrayal. Each ultrasound I had I was convinced there would be no heartbeat, yet when I heard that beautiful sound I had mixed feelings of relief and skepticism. The thought of bonding with this child, only to lose he/she like I did with Shepard takes all the joy out of every visit.

The first defining moment in this pregnancy so far was when I could find the heartbeat on my own doppler at home. I can now listen to that little pitter patter whenever I want. Sometimes I listen to it 3 times a day just to make sure the baby is okay. It doesn't take away the internal anxiety or fear but it does, in that moment, give me relief and allow me to relax a bit. But of course that opened a whole new door of guilt and betrayal.

I caught myself dreaming about holding this child, wondering what their little cry will sound like or even what their nursery will look like. And this would make me feel horrible, as if I am somehow betraying Shepard or pushing him out. I know this is not the case, but for those of you who have a lost a child understand this irrational emotion.

I know this baby deserves all the attention and love and bonding that Shepard had, and I want to give that to this child. But it has been such a challenge to do it. Apart of it I think is a defense mechanism to protect me incase I lose another child. Another part is that I am still grieving the loss of my baby boy and I can't seem to find it in me to give my all to another baby yet. It is extremely difficult to find happiness in a life of pregnancy where I am still grieving my child. But, I also realize just how short pregnancy is, and how quickly life can end and I don't want to waste a day not bonding with this baby. So, to get through some of my grieving and slowly allow some happiness to enter, I started with little things like just listening to that heartbeat 2 times a day to keep my anxiety under control. Then I focused on not calling it Shepard's room anymore. Instead it's the baby's room. I have even started looking at baby names.

Anyone who has lost a child can tell you that dealing with anything baby-related afterwards is nothing short of bittersweet. The excitement of nursery decor, breast pumps, baby slings and burp cloths is gone. Instead, when I look at the huge pile of baby gear I collected from Shepard's pregnancy, it mocks me. Reminding me how long of a road I still have before I will ever be able to use any of it... if I will ever be able to use any of it.

Yet, as this second trimester takes off, and I have passed my own first milestone of security, I find myself becoming a little more relaxed everyday and slowly starting to enjoy little things like day dreaming about if it is a boy or girl.

In a book called Celebrating Pregnancy Again, I read this, " Happiness never, ever means you don't love the child you lost. It only means you are taking a small step in healing. That, is a beautiful gift. Healing is learning a new love language for the child you lost." And that is what I want. A new special love language for me and my Shepard so I can make room for another sacred relationship with my second child.

Remembering Shepard

Today, October 15, 2014, Pregnancy and Infant Loss is nationally recognized. Estil and I participated in Scottsdale Healthcare's annual Walk to Remember for pregnancy and infant loss this past Saturday. It was beautiful, emotional and yet very peaceful. There was a very nice turnout filled with kids.

I am so grateful for the people who take the time to organize these events so that people like me have somewhere to turn to. These events give us a place to meet other people who have suffered like we have and honor our children together. This was my first event to publicly honor my son, Shepard. And while I knew it would be emotional I had know idea just how heartbreaking yet fulfilling it would be. Thank you to all of you who dedicate your time to help honor our loved ones.